


I'm here to stay

by Aeris444



Category: Merlin (TV) RPF
Genre: Infidelity, Loneliness, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2017-12-29 05:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeris444/pseuds/Aeris444
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the end of Merlin, as the months have passed by, Colin has withdrawn from all his friends of the Merlin cast. Now he’s alone and sad… When he calls Eoin, he hopes to find comfort and friendship. He doesn’t expect to find happiness and care. Nor is he ready to face his past mistakes and the return of Bradley in his life…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://derenai.livejournal.com/profile)[**derenai**](http://derenai.livejournal.com/) or the first beta and the support, thanks to [](http://osky291.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://osky291.livejournal.com/)**osky291** for the second beta!

** Chapter One **

Colin looked around him. His London flat was exactly as he had left it weeks ago before going to film "Quirke". But it suddenly felt emptier.

The last time he was there was the night, or rather the morning, after the wrap party of the 5th series. Bradley, Tom, Eoin, Adetomiwa and Rupert had come there to continue partying. They had drunk and talked till the sunrise. Till they’ve fallen asleep on the couch and on the floor.

That had been three months before. And since then, Colin had lived between hotel rooms. Alone.

And then, coming back to this flat where he had hoped to find a homely feeling, Colin felt even more alone. For the first time since the end of "Merlin", he realized how much he missed it. The series, the cast, his role.

Now, he wasn't Merlin anymore. He was back to being Colin, an actor amongst many others, who was fighting to find some work for the next months.

Of course, it was easier than before and a lot of people supported and loved him. But it was also harder. People had seen him as Merlin for five years and now he needed to prove he was able to be someone else.

Colin sighed and let himself fall on his couch unable to gather enough energy to empty his bags at the moment.

He was tired. And hungry, too. And still lonely.

He looked at his ceiling for a long time, not thinking about anything till his stomach growled. He took out his cellphone and decided to order some Indian takeout.  
As he searched for the number of the restaurant, Colin's eyes caught the names of his ex-cast mates. Since the wrap party where they had promised to stay in contact, Colin had only answered their calls twice.

Bradley had called the most, of course. But Colin had only answered the first time. They had talked for nearly two hours. Remembering moments of the filming… Talking about their projects. It was really like they were back some months earlier. It was a great feeling. But it hurt, too, knowing these moments would never come back.

And when Bradley had hung up, Colin was left shattered.

For five years, Bradley had been his closest friend … and perhaps even more than that. Colin remembered the night Bradley had kissed him and confessed his feelings. He remembered Bradley promising him he would wait… Then, Colin had known that life would tear them apart even if they tried to stay close. So he had decided it would be better to make a neat cut and had stopped answering Bradley's calls.

The only other call he had answered was Eoin's because Eoin never called him. He hated the phone and always told them he didn't like not seeing the people he was talking to and that that could only lead to misunderstandings. So when Colin had seen his name flashing on the screen of his phone, he had answered. They had talked for barely ten minutes. Eoin had just wanted to know if everything was okay. Colin had supposed that the others had told Eoin he wasn't answering their calls.

"You know I'm your friend," Eoin had told him in the end. "If you need to talk… anytime… you can call me."

Colin had thanked him, reassured him again that everything was fine and said goodbye.

Eoin… Colin looked at his name on his phone. There was a picture next to it. A silly picture of Eoin passionately kissing a bottle of shampoo. A dare during one of the memorable nights of filming. Colin missed these moments of comradeship, of silliness. In his ears, he could still hear Eoin's laughter. He missed that, too.

And before realizing, he touched the picture and called Eoin.

It only took him two rings to answer.

"Colin? Hey mate, you're still alive?" Eoin joked.

"Hum… Yeah... yeah."

"So how are you doing? I heard you were filming in Ireland?"

"Yes. But… I'm back in London now," Colin answered. "And you?"

"We're finishing the editing of 'Cold'… It's going to rock, you know!" Eoin said enthusiastically.

Colin felt a surge of shame. He remembered Eoin and Tom talking about their project, their film. How happy and eager they had been. But he hadn't even called once to know how the things were going for them.

"That's great… I'm…I'm looking forward to watch it," Colin slurred. He wasn't feeling well. This conversation felt strange. And it made Colin sad thinking that talking to Eoin had now become unnatural.

"Colin? Colin? Are you ok?" Eoin asked as Colin wasn't answering anymore.

"I… I don't know," the younger confessed with a sigh.

"Want me to come?"

Colin wanted to decline but he realized he had hoped for such an offer all along. He wanted someone next to him. He wanted to finally not be alone. Even if it lasted only a few moments.

"Yeah…" His voice was broken and he gathered all his energy to prevent some tears to fall.

"I'm coming."

Eoin hung up. A tear rolled on Colin's jaw… And then another. He sniffed and wiped it angrily. He wasn't allowed to be sad. After all he was the only one to blame for his current situation. He was the one not calling his friend and isolating himself for months.

Suddenly, Colin regretted calling Eoin. He shouldn't have let him come. He deserved to be alone and nobody should comfort him for what he put himself into.

Colin took his phone again and wanted to call Eoin back and tell him he was okay and he should not come. But he didn't call as a part of him craved for a comforting shoulder, a warm smile… Eoin's smile.

Colin knew he should make himself more presentable, take a shower, and put some fresh clothes on. But he didn't have the energy to move from the couch. So he just sat there, trying not to think about the awkward conversation he was probably going to have with Eoin, trying not to think about how much he wanted Eoin to take him in his arms.

Of course, he failed miserably and when his doorbell rang, he was totally freaking out.

Nonetheless, he managed to stand up and go open the door. He was met by a sunshiny smile and the wonderful smell of Chinese food.

"Thought you'd be hungry," Eoin explained as he went to the kitchen and opened the two bags he was carrying, revealing a dozen of containers.

"I am but… Isn't that a little bit too much?" Colin asked sitting in front of Eoin.

"You'll have some leftovers for tomorrow!"

Colin was glad that the food would keep them away from an awkward conversation for some time. And he was really starving.

They ate in silence. Of course, Eoin had picked some vegetarian dishes for Colin. It was great to have someone thinking about little things like that. And Colin started to relax.

Eoin was telling him about the filming of "Cold" and how great it was going to be. It was like nothing had changed between them, and for the first time in months, Colin was hoping that the distance between them all was not permanent.

After some time, when they had put the leftovers in the fridge, they moved to the couch. Eoin was still doing most of the talking and Colin was glad for that. He was just listening and answering when needed. That let him some time to simply enjoy Eoin's presence.

But of course, it didn't last. Eoin stopped talking and looked at him more intently. Colin tried to avoid his gaze, feeling that he was not going to like what Eoin would ask.

"Colin… You don't have to answer me but… Why didn't you call Bradley tonight?"

A sad smile appeared on Colin's lips. He should have seen that question coming.

"Because I'm not sure he wants me to call him," he answered matter-of-factly.

"But he's your best friend!" Eoin argued, clearly missing something there.

"I suppose he was…"

"Colin?"

"It's… Everything is my fault," Colin finally confessed. He leaned and took his face in his hands, sighing.

He felt Eoin moving and sitting next to him in the couch.

"If you want to talk about it…" he suggested, putting his hand on Colin's back.

"There's not much to say about it, you know. We were best friends… And then I fell in love. I thought it would be an unrequited love but when we started the fourth series, Bradley confessed he was in love, too. We kissed… once. And then I asked him to wait. I didn't want our relationship to fuck the filming up. Or conversely. And he waited…"

Eoin put his arm around Colin's shoulders and pulled him closer. Colin let his head fall on his friend's torso. He wasn't able to think about why he was indulging himself this embrace when he knew he didn't deserv any comfort but it was far too nice to feel such a warm body next to him, to feel Eoin's breath in his hair. And it gave him the necessary courage to continue.

"He waited for two years… Two fucking years. And then, I didn't answer his call, I didn't call back… I nearly ignored him during the NTA… I've fucked up everything. I've hurt him."

Colin sighed. It was hard taking about all that but also strangely relieving. For the first time he was talking about Bradley to someone, for the first time he was confessing his fears.

"Are you sure it's too late to sort it out?"

"I don't want it to be sorted out… I don't deserve Bradley."

"Colin! Don't say things like that!" Eoin nearly shouted as he forced his friend to straighten up and look at him.

"Eoin… I've isolated myself. Deliberately. I can't go back now. Not after knowing I've hurt him. Not after knowing I'll hurt him again."

"But you love him, don’t you?" Eoin's face was serious. Eoin was never this serious and Colin felt guilty. He didn't want his friend to worry about him, to be drawn in this sad path he was following.

"It hasn't prevented me from hurting him…"

"But why are you so sure you'll hurt him again?"

"Look at me! Do you really think I'll be able to make someone happy in this state? Bradley deserves to be happy and I'm not the one for him. I just need to wrap my mind around it."

"Colin… I'm sorry."

No… Colin didn't want Eoin to pity him! He tried to escape his friend's embrace but Eoin's hugged him tighter.

"No… Don't even think about telling me you don't deserve to be hugged or something as stupid!"

Colin was surprised. Was he so easy to read? No, it was probably because of Eoin. Since they knew each other, Eoin has always known what Colin thought. At first, Colin had put that on the fact that they were both Irish. But it was probably more than that.

Colin had let himself be drawn against Eoin's chest again. He was unable to resist. Even if he knew that could only end badly.

They stayed like that for a long time, till Colin's neck started to ache. Then Colin straightened a little. Eoin smiled fondly at him and it made him riddled with guilt again.

"Eoin… Why did you come?"

"Because I'm your friend… And I care about you," the older confessed with the same fond smile.

"You shouldn't."

"What? Care about you?"

Colin nodded and wriggled free of his friend's arms.

"I'll hurt you, too."

"I'm tougher than I look you know," Eoin tried to joke.

"That's not funny Eoin!" Colin's voice was harsher now. "I don't want to hurt you! I don't want to hurt the people I care for!"

"Is that why you've broke all ties with us?"

Colin looked at the floor and nodded. Yeah, it was only that. His fear to hurt people. It was easier like that. With no deep link, it was easier to avoid hurting people.

Eoin came close once again and looked at Colin's intertwined fingers. He gently disentangled it and took one of his hands in his.

"Colin… You can't avoid us forever. You can't live without friends around you. You need friends! And hurting them is not great but it's a risk you need to take."

"I'm ok by myself," Colin answered stubbornly, getting his hand away from Eoin's.

"No, you're not," Eoin added. Colin was wondering how long his patience would last. Eoin would leave soon enough, tired of him and his jeremiads.

"Eoin… You can't help me. Nobody can."

"Look at me," Eoin voice was suddenly hard and Colin obeyed without thinking. "I'm going to try, Colin, and you can't stop me."

Colin felt tears falling on his jaws. He shivered slightly but Eoin put his hands on his shoulders, holding him straight.

"I'll do anything I can to make you smile again… I want the Colin I know back, the one I met 4 years ago."

"But… Why?" Colin asked sobbing.

"Because I care about you, idiot!" Eoin repeated.

And then, Colin was engulfed in Eoin's embrace and he let go. He cried like he had wanted to so many times in the past months. And it felt good.

Eoin held him, whispering calming words, stroking his hair. But it was mostly his presence that calmed Colin, making him feel safe.

"It's okay Colin. You’re allowed to be sad."

Colin wanted to protest, to explain to Eoin again how he had put himself in this situation. But he was so tired he didn't find the energy to speak so he just let his head fall against Eoin's torso.

They stayed like that till their limbs hurt from the stillness. Eoin was the first to move. He resettled himself on the couch more comfortably but dragged Colin with him. The younger man was now resting against Eoin's shoulder.

A yawn escaped him but Colin didn't want to sleep yet. Eoin must have sensed it as he proposed to watch some TV. Colin accepted and they found some talk show. But they weren't really paying attention to it, in the end.

Colin was thinking about the run of the evening. He didn't want Eoin to go. But he knew his friend was going to leave. So he tried to engrave the feeling of Eoin's strong arms around him in his memory.

"Colin… You should sleep." Eoin told him as Colin yawned again.

"I don't want to."

"Hey… When was the last time you had a good night of sleep?"

"Don't know…" And Colin wasn't even lying.

Eoin eyes were full of tenderness when he stroked Colin's hair.

"You need to rest! You can't continue like that!"

"Will you stay?" Colin asked, too weak to resist his want to stay with Eoin. He felt unsure and shuffled in Eoin's arms.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to stay, you now."

"Forever?" Colin asked, knowing it was childish to ask that but needing some reassurance.

"Forever," Eoin promised, putting a light kiss on Colin's temple.

A relieved sigh left Colin's lips and he finally closed his eyes. It only took him a few minutes to fall asleep, nestled against Eoin, comforted by his body warmth.

***

Colin was awoken by the smell of coffee. He slowly opened his eyes and realized he was in the couch but Eoin wasn't there anymore. A cover had been put over him. And there was this delicious smell.

He stood up and followed the smell to the kitchen. Eoin was there, sitting at the table and nursing a cup of coffee.

"Hello sleepyhead!"

"Hi… So… Um… You stayed?"

"Colin, you're not getting rid of me this easily, you know!"

Colin tried to smile but he felt bad. He didn't want Eoin to change his life for him. But before he could object, his friend was pouring him a cup of coffee.

And, ok, it was perhaps great to have someone to talk with in the morning. So Colin decided to just take the best of the moment, trying not to think about the moment when Eoin would go away.


	2. Chapter 2

(A month later.)

When Colin came back from a long day of rehearsals of “The Tempest”, he looked around his flat. During the last weeks, a lot of Eoin's belongings had appeared everywhere. His computer on the coffee table, his favourite mug on the kitchen counter, his horrendous but fluffy cover on the couch. And Colin had never felt so much at home.

A smile appeared on his lips when he spotted his nearly flat-mate coming from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies. Homemade cookies! Discovering that Eoin could bake and even liked it had been a welcomed surprise. And that had nothing to do with the fact that Colin's costume had needed some adjustments or with the fact that his colleagues had told him he looked better like that.

"Welcome home, honey!" Eoin exclaimed playfully. "How was your day?"

"Tiring… Wouldn't say no to a whisky and a foot rub," Colin added, getting along with the joke.

They smiled at each other and sat on the couch, the cookies plate between them.

***

Later that night, as he was going to bed, Colin looked at Eoin fluffing the cushions on the couch and trying to fit his big body in it.

At first, Eoin had just spent the week-ends at Colin's place to be there when he was alone and if he came to spend the evening with Colin during the week, he never stayed the night. Till the week before, when Colin had called him one night. That day had been awful. During the rehearsals, Colin had been unable to find the good emotions and had kept forgetting his lines. He had hesitated for a long time before calling Eoin, though. His friend had already done so much for him. But Colin had promised Eoin to call when he needed him. So he had done it. And when Eoin had heard his tired voice and the barely restrained sobs, he had come straight away.

They had talked a lot that night and had ended up falling asleep next to each other on the couch.

After that, without Colin asking and without Eoin proposing, the older man had stayed.

Colin was still on his bedroom's doorstep when he heard a muffled cry coming from the couch. Eoin must have hurt himself trying to settle in the small couch.

"Eoin," Colin called his voice slightly unsure.

"Yes?"

He saw Eoin's head poking out from behind the couch.

"Could… Could you come?"

"Of course."

Eoin stood up and came towards Colin who had caught the doorframe to give himself some courage. Eoin stopped in front of him, a quizzical look on his face.

"Colin? Are you ok?"

Colin nodded but he wasn't sure he was really ok. He hesitated a little more, looking at Eoin intensely. His hair was slightly hiding his face but couldn't hide his worry. And Colin didn't want him to worry more than he already had. So, slowly, he let go of the doorframe and stretched his hand towards Eoin.

"Come… Please."

His words were barely more than a whisper but Eoin hadn't missed it and he took the offered hand and followed Colin into his room. Colin was relieved, he couldn't have stood rejection. Not today. But he was still afraid. He didn't want Eoin to harbour false hopes. It was still too early for more than friendship between them.

They stopped next to the bed and Colin tensed again. He had to make clear to Eoin what he really wanted and not let a misunderstanding tear them apart. But he was unable to speak as he felt Eoin gently cupping his face.

"It's okay Colin… I understand," Eoin said,.

And before the younger had the time to fear rejection again, he saw Eoin going to the other side of the bed and slide under the covers.

"Come on," Eoin added, holding the cover for Colin to lay under it.

Colin obeyed. He didn't know how it was possible but he was so glad that Eoin seemed to read his mind.

They settled in the bed and Colin turned the light off.

"Goodnight," he murmured, lying on his back, very still, as not to touch Eoin.

"Colin," Eoin sighed. "Come closer, will you?"

Colin didn't move.

"I know you want me to hold you. And I don't intent on doing anything other than that. So come here!"

Eoin's tone was so full of tenderness Colin was unable to resist and to think again about all the reasons for not doing this. So he rolled on his side and came closer to Eoin. The older man put his arms around him and Colin let his head rest on his torso.

"Ok?" Eoin asked.

"Yeah… Thank you."

Eoin didn't answer but he put a light kiss in Colin's hair.

And it didn't take more than a few minutes for Colin to fall asleep, feeling safe in Eoin's arms.

***

Two months later, Eoin was nearly officially living with Colin. He just went to his own flat to retrieve the mail twice a week.

Colin was doing the last rehearsals of "The Tempest" as the play was starting the next week. Eoin was promoting his film, trying to find some distributors.

They didn't see each other a lot during the day but tried to spend the evening together. And Eoin was always there when Colin had a day off.

They didn't go out a lot. Most of the time, they watched a film together or Colin read while Eoin played on his computer. But Colin wasn't alone anymore and it was so good.

The younger man was smiling more often and more honestly. However, sometimes a wave of guilt came back. He was feeling bad thinking about all the things Eoin was doing for him. He had guessed that his friend probably had feelings for him and that made him feel even guiltier not being able to give Eoin what he deserved. Nonetheless, it was totally impossible for Colin to think about asking Eoin to leave.

That night, Colin came back home quite happy with himself. The rehearsal had been great and he was really looking forward to the start of the play.

He found Eoin in the kitchen cooking what looked like his wonderful vegetable sauce.

"Pasta?" Colin asked coming behind Eoin to look at the pots.

"Yeah. And I've even bought some Italian vine."

"Are we celebrating something?"

"We'll see."

Colin wanted to ask for more information but in the past weeks he had discovered that Eoin was very good at keeping his mouth shut when he wanted so he decided to wait till his friend told him what was going on.

"Go take a shower, it's not ready yet," Eoin proposed.

"That's a great idea! Thanks."

Colin kissed Eoin on the jaw. He was aware that, in such moments, they were like a married couple but he tried not to think too much about it.

In fact they were probably more than just friends. They still slept together in Colin's bed. Colin always nestled against Eoin torso, holding him tight. There were also a lot of kisses… On the jaw, in the hair, sometimes even on the neck. But nothing more than that.

Sometimes, Colin desired more. But he never let his wants take the upper hand. He didn't want to hurt Eoin and he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship right now… Even if he thought about it more and more often. But there was still this part of him who was convinced he didn't deserved to be happy.

When Colin came back from his shower, already wearing his pajamas, he found Eoin sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. On the table, some candles flickered.

"Wow… So we really are celebrating something?" Colin asked as he sat in front of his friend.

"I hope so," Eoin answered.

The older man uncorked the bottle and poured the wine.

"Are you going to tell me, then?"

Eoin held out the glass and Colin took it. Their fingers brushed slightly. There were more touches like that each passing day.

"Cheers!" the older man said.

"Cheers."

They both took a gulp of wine and then Colin asked:

"So? What is this about?"

Eoin took another gulp before answering. He wasn't looking directly at Colin and it was strange for a man who always seemed so poised.

"So… Hum… You're finishing with the Tempest in August, right?"

"Yeah," Colin answered as he was still wondering what his friend was talking about.

"So… I was wondering if… "

"If?" Colin encouraged.

"If you would fancy some holiday after that."

Finally, Eoin looked at Colin, waiting for his answer.

"Holiday? I… I don't understand."

"I was thinking that… Maybe… You know, in August I probably will have finished the promo of 'Cold' so… I thought that we could go somewhere…"

Colin looked at Eoin intently. Was he really proposing him with a holiday project? That would take place in four months?

"Like… You and me, going on holiday?"

"Yeah… But… If you don't want to-"

Eoin was unable to finish his sentence as Colin had thrown himself at him and was currently nuzzling his neck.

"I… I take that as a yes, then?"

Colin looked up and smiled. A smile like Eoin hadn't seen on Colin's face for a very long time. A smile of true happiness.

"Yes… But I suppose you've already thought about the destination?"

Collin was giddy with happiness. Knowing that Eoin was envisaging staying with him for the next four months had made him so pleased. Till that moment, he had never really believed that Eoin could want to stay with him in the long run. He was convinced that his friend was motivated by a sort of pity, some sort of knightly syndrome.

"I was thinking about going to India… You… You've talked about it during the last series and… We could visit for some days and then go to the beaches and just relax."

"That would be perfect."

Colin was still looking at Eoin. His eyes were gleaming with happiness. Slowly he went closer and kissed Eoin, just at the corner of his mouth.

Eoin's hand came to cradle his face and drew him closer again. They were so close they could feel each other's breath. But none of them dared to make the last move.

And then, Colin's phone rung, startling them.

"I… I need to answer."

"Yeah."

They sighed but Colin stood up and went to answer.

"Colin?"

"Angel?"

Of course, Colin was feeling better since Eoin came to take care of him but he hadn't found the courage to call his friends, yet. So, Angel's call unsettled him.

"I hope I’m not disturbing you?"

"No, no," Colin lied.

He didn't know how to react. He knew that Eoin had given some news about him to their friends but he really didn’t expect them to call.

"I… I'm calling because we're organizing a reunion party in two weeks… You know with everyone…"

"Oh. It's… Hmmm… Great."

Colin feared what was coming.

"So… I wanted to know if you would come. We're doing it at Katie’s new flat in Notting Hill… Saturday, in two weeks. And… It would be great to see you, Colin."

Colin felt two strong arms circling his waist. He turned his head to see Eoin smiling. He was probably in the know.

"I… I don't know Angel…It's…"

"Please Colin; don't try to find some excuse. If you don't want to come, just tell me, ok?"

Colin didn’t answer directly. He turned his head towards Eoin again. With him by his side it would perhaps be easier… And, in the deep of his heart, Colin knew that he could never move forward in his life if he didn't settle everything with his past… With Bradley.

"Angel? Will… Will Bradley be there, too?"

"Yes."

Colin felt Eoin holding him tighter, giving him the courage he needed to finally give his answer.

"I… I will come."

"Great!" Angel sounded genuinely happy and it was heartwarming.

"So… See you soon, then?"

"Yes! And say hi to Eoin for me!"

"I will… Bye Angel!"

"Bye Colin."

Colin hung up and turned to nestle in Eoin's arms.

"So? You've said yes?" the older man asked as he stroked Colin's back, feeling that his friend was a little tense after the conversation with Angel.

"Yeah… You knew, of course?"

"Yes but she had made me promise not to talk to you about it before her call."

"It's okay… I suppose it's better like this. I've never been able to say no to Angel."

"Yeah, she has her ways."

"And, you know, I think I need to do this. See everyone. "

"See Bradley?"

"Yes. I need to see them and be sure I haven't really hurt them. Ask them to forgive me."

Eoin nodded but his gaze was elusive. And Colin felt like he was holding something back.

"Eoin? What's the matter?"

"Nothing…"

Eoin let go of Colin and turned to go back to the kitchen but Colin stopped him, catching his wrist.

"Eoin… Tell me."

"I know I don't have any right to ask you that…"

"Let me judge that."

Eoin faced Colin again.

"What will you do if Bradley forgives you?"

It was the cold tone more than the question that surprised Colin.

"Nothing. In any case, nothing immediately. I will probably try to regain his friendship. But if you're afraid I will throw myself into his arms, you've nothing to fear."

Colin came closer and put his arms around Eoin's neck.

"I've already found some very comfortable arms."

Eoin's smile was back on his lips. Lips that Colin wanted to feel on his so badly. But he was afraid it was still too early. So he went for another kiss just on the corner of Eoin's mouth before stepping back a little.

"So? Are you going to serve this candlelit dinner? Emotions make me hungry!"

Eoin laughed and went to the kitchen.

"Yes, my Lord! Your dinner will be ready soon, Your Highness!"

Colin followed Eoin, laughing with him.


	3. Chapter 3

"Colin. Stop that!" Eoin said, as Colin fidgeted on the passenger seat. "I'm sure it's going to be ok. And we're going to spend a wonderful evening, ok?"  
  
Colin barely nodded and continued to move and twist his hands.  
  
He was starting to regret his decision to come to this party. He was not ready to see all his friends… Friends. Colin wasn't even sure he could still call them that. And Bradley would be there. Since Angel's call Colin had imagined a thousand different scenarios - every one more awful than the previous. He couldn't imagine that Bradley could forgive him, could still be his friend. And all the comforting words of Eoin hadn't helped.  
  
Nonetheless, Colin knew that without Eoin by his side he wouldn't have been able to go out. Without Eoin, Colin wouldn't have realized he could try to be happy again.  
  
Colin turned and looked at this friend and put his hand on his thigh.  
  
"Colin?"                                

        

"I'm glad you're here."

Eoin smiled and Colin, too.

***

Even if he had been stressed to death when they entered Katie’s flat, Colin had finally relaxed when he had realized that everybody was acting like nothing had happened between them.

Of course, some things were slightly different. Like the way Tom was looking at Santiago, or the fact that Angel's hair was shorter… And of course, the fact that Colin sat on the floor next to Eoin and not close to Bradley.

Katie had ordered some pizza and offered enough beer to have them wasted for the next month.  When they had finished eating, they'd gone to the living room to chat and drink. Colin had ended on the floor between the two couches, Eoin at his side.

Colin felt safe with Eoin by his side. He had managed quite well to avoid Bradley.

And as the evening had gone on, Eoin had come closer, till his arm had been around Colin shoulder. Then, feeling at ease with his friends and getting slightly drunk, Colin had taken Eoin’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers.

Everything was perfect. Colin hadn't been that happy for so long.

Till his eyes met Bradley's. Where, at the start of the evening, he had seen friendship and joy, there was only hurt. Colin tensed. His stomach twisted. He looked elsewhere.

Of course, Eoin felt that something was bothering Colin.

"Colin? Are you ok?"

"Yeah…I just need to… To take a breath outside," Colin lied.

"Want me to come?" Eoin asked as Colin sat up.

"No, it's ok… It's only for a minute."

Colin saw in Eoin's eyes that he didn't really believe him. He went to the balcony without a look behind him though.

Once he was outside, Colin felt dizzy. He held on to the guardrail and tried breathing slowly. The hurt in Bradley's eyes was exactly what he had feared to see. Bradley hadn't forgiven him. Bradley would never be his friend anymore. And it hurt. Tonight, Colin had hoped again that they could be friends.  For a few hours, his future had seemed bright. With Eoin at his side, with his friends around. But a look had been enough to shatter this dream. Colin had hurt his friends and he didn't deserve their forgiveness.

"Colin?"

Colin jumped when he heard Bradley's voice. But he didn't turn and kept his stare on the street underneath.

He felt Bradley come closer and lean on the rail.

"Colin… Can we talk?"

"Are you sure you still want to talk to me after what I've done to you?"

"You've done nothing…"

"Bradley, please. You don't have to lie. I know I've acted like an asshole with you."

Bradley put his hand on Colin's shoulder and forced him to turn and look at him.

"Colin… You needed some time. I gave it to you. And then you realized you didn't love me anymore. That's life, Colin. You haven't done anything bad."

"So why are looking at me like that!" Colin's voice was louder now. He wasn't able to control his emotions anymore.

"Like what?"

"Like you're hurt! Like you can’t bear to look at me!"

This time Colin was screaming.

"Colin…Please…"

"What? You want me to calm down? I hate myself, Bradley! Every day since the end of Merlin, I’ve felt guilty for hurting you! And now, you’re trying to lie to me and make me believe you don't hate me? What for? You want to hurt me, too? To get your revenge?"

Colin felt Bradley hands grab him by the shoulders to hold him firmly.

"Colin! Stop! You don't understand anything! I… I forgave you long ago … We haven't promised anything to each other. I was worried about you but I've never been mad."

Colin felt the guilt coming back. Bradley was worried for him. Probably like all his friends.

"Tonight, I was so happy to see you again," Bradley continued, "and… I know it's naïve, but I hoped I could try to seduce you… That there was still hope for us to pick up where we left our story the night I’d kissed you."

Colin listened but didn't quite understand what Bradley was telling him.

"What… But…Why were you hurt?"

"Because you look so happy with Eoin…"

And then Colin understood. It was not hurt he had seen. It was jealousy. Bradley had thought that Eoin and he were together. Colin realised that, in fact, his attitude towards Eoin wasn't really friendly anymore. But he hadn't found out what he felt for his friend yet. And now Bradley was telling him that… Everything was so confusing.

"Bradley… Were you… Jealous?" Colin needed to know.

Bradley took a deep breath and gently stroked Colin's arms.

"I'm still in love with you, Colin."

Colin's heart was hammering in his chest. It felt surreal. Everything. Bradley. This balcony. The view on London. Bradley's words. That couldn't be real.

"Bradley… Don't lie to me," Colin pleaded. He felt so confused.

"I love you," Bradley repeated as he leaned toward Colin. Their lips were barely an inch apart and Colin could feel Bradley's breath mingling with his.

Both of them made a move. Bradley’s lips were as soft and warm as in Colin’s memory. It felt surreal.

And then laughter resounded from inside the flat. Eoin's laughter.

Colin pushed Bradley away.

"No…No…"

And he ran inside, to find Eoin. He threw himself at his friend, trying to hold back his tears. What hadhe done? A whirlwind of feelings was enveloping him.

"Colin? Are you ok?"

Colin was shivering and Eoin took him in his arms.

Angel and Katie came closer, worried about him. He wasn't able to look at them, though. He felt like an idiot, here, with all his friends around him, crying like a child.

"No… Can… Can we go back home?" he asked Eoin, shyly.

"Of course."

Eoin stroked his hair and kissed his forehead before helping him stand up.

Colin heard him excuse themselves to everybody, he felt Eoin help him put his coat on. But Colin was unable to register anything else. He could only think about Bradley's words and his face so close… They could have kissed. Bradley wanted to give them a second chance…

"Colin? What happened?" Eoin finally asked when they were in the car.

"Nothing."

"I saw Bradley go outside, too. And then you came back nearly crying and visibly upset… "

"I… We…"

Colin didn’t know how to answer Eoin. He couldn’t tell him the truth. He has kissed Bradley… It would hurt Eoin to know it and it was pointless after all. That kiss was just a mistake. Nothing more.

"Colin, if you don’t want to talk, tell me. But don't lie to me, please."

"Later… Ok?"

"Ok."

Colin sighed and let his head fall on the headrest. They didn't talk anymore during the ride. And once in Colin's flat, they didn't talk either.

They showered and went to bed in silence. As every other day, Eoin took Colin in his arms. But that night, Colin didn't relax as he always did in Eoin's embrace.

Eoin kissed him on the jaw.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Colin was glad Eoin hadn't pressed him to talk because he didn't know what to say, as he didn't know what he felt… For Eoin… For Bradley.

***

Of course, the next morning, after breakfast, Eoin asked Colin again about the events of the night before. This time, Colin was prepared. He felt bad lying to Eoin but he knew that the truth would hurt him even more.

"We… We argued… He's mad at me."

Eoin took Colin in his arms, not knowing it was just making him worst.

"He thinks I'd lied to him when I told him I loved him. That I've played with him."

"Oh, Colin… I'm sorry."

"He's right…"

"No! You may have hurt him by your actions but it wasn't deliberate!"

Eoin's words did nothing to comfort Colin but he smiled and thanked his friend.

He felt so bad lying to the only person that had helped him and stayed with him. But it was the only solution not to hurt him, too. And it was just a matter of days. Colin needed some time to forget what had happened on Katy's balcony and go back to his life with Eoin.

***

Colin had been so wrong, he realized two weeks later. He was still thinking about Bradley. And all the calls and messages from the Englishman didn't help. And, of course, Eoin had noticed how stressed Colin had been lately. Colin had tried to put that on the fact that the premiere of "The Tempest" was the next week but he knew that Eoin hadn't believed him.

His acting was also suffering from his stress and Colin knew he needed to do something about it before the shows started. He had thought about it for nights and nights, staying awake in Eoin's arms till he was so tired he couldn't continue thinking. And he had finally accepted that the only solution was to go see Bradley and talk with him.

So, that day, he had finally answered one of his messages and had suggested to see him after his interview for a cultural magazine. Bradley had accepted. And Colin was waiting for him in a little café next to the Globe.

When Bradley arrived, Colin felt his heart speed up. Bradley was beautiful. Something Colin hadn't been able to see the last time, too troubled to notice. Colin looked at his hair, longer than Arthur's, at the stubble on his jaws. He looked a little less muscled, too.

"Hey! Colin!"

He was smiling and Colin smiled, too. He wasn't sure of what to do but Bradley hugged him and he didn't move.

"I'm so happy you've finally answered me, you know!"

"Yeah… I'm sorry but…After that night…"

"I'm the one who needs to make excuses, you know… I… I shouldn't have kissed you. I know you're with Eoin and…"

"I'm not with Eoin," Colin interrupted.

"What?"

Colin saw the lack of understanding on Bradley's face.

"It's… It's complicated. But we're just friends."

"Oh…"

Silence fell between them till the waiter came to take their order. They chose some tea and the waiter went away.

Finally, Colin gathered his courage and asked Bradley:

"You think everything you told me then?"

"Every word," he answered without any hesitation.

"Ok… Bradley… It's… For months, I've thought I had fucked up everything between us, that you hated me.  And now… I'm lost, you know."

Bradley gently took Colin's hand in his.

"Colin. If you don't want us to be more than friends, it's ok with me. If you want to give us a second chance, it's, of course, okay with me. If you want some time to think about it, it's also okay with me. But I just ask you not to ignore me again… Please?"

"Okay… I think I need some time but… Can we see each other? Just as friend?"

"That would make me really happy!"

Colin didn't know if he was making the right choice. But he knew he wanted to see Bradley again, to spend some time with him, to get his friend back. And for the rest, time would tell him what to do.

***

When Colin came home that night, finding Eoin in the kitchen cooking their dinner, confusion came back in his heart. Could he cope with an empty flat again? With sleeping alone in his bed? Without Eoin's smile and laughter to light up his days?  Or could Bradley take Eoin's place?

These questions made him realize that, no matter his choice, one of his friends would suffer. And that thought broke his heart.

***

Two days later, Bradley asked Colin to go to the cinema and then grab a bite. Colin accepted without hesitation. But he felt bad when he lied to Eoin, telling him he was going out with his co-stars from "The Tempest".

He felt even worse later when he realized that he was spending a wonderful evening with Bradley and hadn't really thought about Eoin at all.

"Colin?" Bradley called as he visibly had his head in the clouds.

"Sorry… What were you saying?"

"I was asking you if you wanted to go have a drink in some pub."

It was already late and Colin had said to Eoin that he'd be home early… But he wanted to spend more time with Bradley. Things were just starting to feel familiar again between them.

"Ok…"

"Great!"

Bradley put his arm around Colin's shoulders and drew him towards the closest pub.

***

When Colin came home, it was nearly 12PM. He supposed that Eoin was already asleep but he was surprised to find him sitting on the couch, completely awake.

"Eoin? You're still up?"

"Yeah… Was waiting for you."

There was no blame in his tone, only sadness and tiredness.

"Oh… I… I'm sorry. They wanted to go for a last drink and… You know…"

Eoin nodded and held out his hand to Colin. Colin took it and sat in Eoin's lap, letting his friend hug him tightly.

And it felt so good. That was the heart of the matter… Colin loved being with Bradley as much as he loved to be in Eoin's arms.

However, he knew that he should make a choice… Or he was going to hurt them both.

"I missed you, tonight," Eoin murmured.

"Me, too," Colin lied.

They stayed like that for a long time. Then, Colin suggested they went to bed.

There, he went back to Eoin's arms and closed his eyes. At that moment, he didn't want to think about Bradley anymore. There was just Eoin. The man who had been there for him when he had needed him.

***

Four days later, Colin was still lost between his conflicted feelings. Bradley hadn't called him like he had promised to do. And Colin was starting to get angry at him. How could he promise to keep contact, to go to another date and then, just not call? Lots of time, Colin had wanted to call him but he had never dared to. And between the last rehearsals and his life with Eoin, his schedule was quite hectic.

Not to mention the fact that he was getting closer to Eoin each passing days. The older man was so caring. He was always available for Colin, listening to him for hours when he felt that Colin needed to talk. And there were all these little attentions, like the time he went to the other side of the city only to buy Colin's favourite vegetable curry. Or when he watched “Howl's Moving Castle” with him even if he didn't like animation movies.

If he was really honest with himself, Colin was starting to fall in love with Eoin… And strangely, that lead him to be mad at Bradley. If Bradley had called him, he wouldn't have spent so much time with Eoin and perhaps it would have been easier for him to sort out his feelings! After their last date, Colin had been ready to offer Bradley a chance, to give them an opportunity to try for something. But now… He was just so confused.

And with the premiere of "The Tempest" coming closer, the stress was getting more intense, not helping him reflect on his love life.

So he just decided to focus on his work and keep his feelings on the side till the Premiere. But that didn't prevent him from looking at his phone too often or to enjoy his time with Eoin.


	4. Chapter 4

Applauses were still ringing in Colin's ears when he exited the theatre. The premiere had been a huge success and the audience had given the actors an ovation.  
Colin felt good. He had missed these kinds of sensations. Something unique that only theatre could bring - this close link with the public, this excitement. And playing in the Globe had only reinforced that.

He remembered the moment he had to climb around the stage. It had felt so great! Exhilarating.

"Colin!"

Colin turned around to see Eoin waving. His friend had waited for him. They had decided to go dine together after the premiere.

Colin ran towards him and jumped in his arms. He was so happy.

"Congratulations! You were brilliant!" Eoin said as he hugged him.

"Thank you for coming tonight… It was great to see you in the audience."

"I wouldn't have missed that for anything."

And Colin knew that it was true.

In the past days, with the growing stress about the premiere, Eoin had been wonderful. Always there when Colin needed company but he had also been able to leave  
him alone sometime. Eoin had listened to Colin making up horrible scenarios about how everything would go awry for hours. Eoin had also taken him in his arms and reassured him till Colin fell asleep. Clearly, they had grown even closer in a few days.

"So? Are we going?"

Colin nodded. And they walked arm in arm to the restaurant where Eoin had booked a table for them. It turned out to be one of the finest vegetarian restaurants in town. The one where Colin had always wanted to go but never really found the time to. Eoin had booked a table in the back of the restaurant where Colin and he would have some privacy. And Colin was glad for it. Playing in "The Tempest" seemed to have drawn all the attention of the fans to him. He had even heard some people shouting "Merlin!" during the play. Of course, Colin knew that it was part of his job as an actor but he had never been at ease with these kinds of exuberant and hyper fans.

So he gladly sat at the secluded table. The waiter came soon to give them the menus.

They read it in silence.

"So? What do you want to eat?" Eoin asked casually.

"Mmm… Don't know. Everything looks good! I'm hesitant…

"So I've chosen the place right?"

Colin looked up from the menu and smiled.

"Yeah… It's perfect."

They held their gaze for a long time, still smiling. Colin was really relaxed and happy, like he had never been for such a long time. The premiere had been a success and now he was enjoying the rest of the evening with Eoin. It was indeed perfect.

"Sirs? Can I take your order?" The waiter interrupted them and Colin even jumped slightly.

"Oh… Hum… Yeah… I will take the tofu salad first and then the zucchini pie," Colin answered.

"And I'll take the asparagus with the cream cheese and then the mushroom crepe."

"Ok. And what do you want to drink?"

Eoin looked at Colin. "We need to celebrate, no?"

Colin nodded and Eoin asked for some French white wine.

Waiting for their food, they talked about the play. Colin told Eoin how he had felt. How stressed he was before singing and how he nearly fell when he didn't catch one of the bars flying around the stage.

"You've been great though! It was really impressive seeing you jumping and climbing everywhere!"

Colin felt his face heating. He was always a little shy when someone complimented him, even more when it was Eoin.

"Thanks."

"And clearly, all the audience thought the same!"

The waiter came with their first course and they interrupted their conversation for a moment, enjoying the delicious food.

"Oh, do you know who I saw in the audience?" Eoin asked suddenly, between two mouthfuls.

"No… Who?"

"Bradley."

Colin froze with his fork in mid-air.

"He was there. In the yard."

"But…"

Colin didn't know how to react. Bradley hadn't told him he was going to come. In fact, despite his promise the last time they went out together, to call him and set up a new date, Bradley had never called. Why was he there, then? Just when Colin was getting closer to Eoin.

"It's strange. I thought he still was in the U.S.," Eoin continued. "He must have come for a few days…"

"I… I don't know," Colin lied, trying to act normally and continuing to eat. "Can… Can we not talk about Bradley tonight?" he asked, hoping that Eoin would put that on the alleged argument from the night at Angel's.

"Oh… Ok… Sorry."

"No… It's ok," Colin tried to smile. "It's just that tonight… It's… Just you and me?"

Eoin looked intently at Colin and gently put his hand on top of Colin's.

"Yeah… Just you and me."

They went back to eating but their hands kept touching on the table at every opportunity. And Colin knew that tonight, he would not be able to resist his attraction towards Eoin. And he didn't want to resist.

***

When they went back to Colin's flat, it was nearly 2 AM and Colin had spent half of the journey yawning. Eoin had taken him in his arms when they had been in the safety of the building and Colin had let him guide them to the flat and then the couch.

"You should go to sleep," he suggested as Colin was making himself comfortable against his shoulder.

"Not yet…"

Eoin looked at Colin, intrigued. Colin moved to straddle Eoin.

"Colin…" he murmured, visibly trying hard not to touch his friend. Colin was glad for that. The way Eoin was letting him take the lead proved how much he cared for him. He didn't want to go too fast for Colin.

"The evening is not perfect yet."

"Oh? Really? Is the fact that you spent it with me not enough to make it perfect?"

"I will not answer that!" Colin answered, laughing.

But he stopped when he felt Eoin's hand on the small of his back, drawing him closer. And that was enough to give Colin the courage he needed to kiss Eoin. Finally.

Their first kiss was chaste and soft. Just a press of lips together. And it softly changed into something deeper, more intense. And then, Eoin's tongue slid between Colin's lips, deepening their kiss.

And they kissed for a long time, only stopping to catch their breath and look at each other.

Slowly, their hands went into action, too. Eoin's sliding under Colin's shirt to stroke his back when Colin's hands went into Eoin's soft hair.

The air was getting hotter between them and, instinctively, Colin started to grind in Eoin's lap.

But when their crotches got in contact, it made Colin freeze, realizing where they were going.

"Colin? Are you okay?" Eoin asked, kissing him on the jaw.

"Yeah… It's just that…"

Colin didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling to Eoin without hurting him.

"Hey… It's okay; we don't need to do anything else tonight…"

Once again, Eoin had understood him perfectly.

"Really?"

"Really. We have time, Colin. I'm not going anywhere and now that I have you, I'm not letting you go!"

Colin smiled. He was reassured. He started kissing Eoin again. Till the older suggested they move to the bed.

They went to take a brief shower in turns and, once comfortably settled in Colin's bed, they started kissing again but never went further than that. And Colin fell asleep, nestled in Eoin's arms, smiling.

***

After that night, Colin and Eoin kept their promise to take their time. They remained very close. And even if they didn't have a lot of free time between Eoin working on Cold and Colin playing at the Globe, they spent most of it together. They loved to stay at Colin's flat, just enjoying each other's company, watching a film, reorganizing Colin's enormous CD collection, Eoin trying to teach Colin how to cook something edible.

They kissed, too… A lot. Nearly every night, when Colin came back from the Globe, Eoin waited for him, sitting in the couch. And Colin always came to sit next to him and curl in his arms, sharing kisses till he nearly fell asleep and Eoin needed to drag him to bed.

It was a nice routine and Colin wished it would never end.

But, of course, it didn't last…

One day, nearly three weeks after the premiere, Colin received a message from Bradley.

"Coming to see your play 2nite. Fancy a bite after? BJ"

Colin looked at the message for a long time. In the past three weeks, he had lived in a bubble with Eoin, managing to forget Bradley had ever existed. But now, he remembered. And that confused him.

The last evening he had spent with Bradley had been great. And things had finally become natural again between them… Of course, they hadn't promised anything to each other apart from trying to spend more time together. But Bradley hadn't called him once since that evening. And now this message was coming from nowhere.

Once again, Colin was lost. Now, as he had finally found some more self-confidence, he knew that he should do something to sort everything out. He typed his reply, determined to talk to Bradley and find where they stood.

"Ok… Wait 4 me at the back door. CM"

Of course, Colin didn't tell Eoin about that. He lied, pretending to have agreed for a drink with the cast. Eoin smiled and told him he was happy to see him opening to the others. Colin felt bad lying like that. But the truth would have probably hurt Eoin. And he couldn't stand to hurt him.

***

When Colin escaped by the backdoor, he spotted Bradley immediately. He was leaning against the wall, looking at the ground, lost in his thoughts. And Colin couldn't help but find him beautiful again. Guilt came back in a rush. How could he think about Bradley being beautiful now that he was in a relationship with Eoin? Colin knew this meeting was a bad idea. He shouldn't have accepted. But it was too late. Bradley had just lifted his eyes and seen him.

"Colin!"

Bradley came and hugged him. Colin didn't move.

"Hey? Are you okay?" Bradley asked him, looking honestly worried.

"Yeah… Just… You know, tired."

"Oh… Do you want to call it off?"

Colin knew it was his chance to escape this but he also knew that if ran away now, that wouldn't help him sort out his feelings.

"No, it's okay! And I'm hungry!"

Bradley's smile was back and it made Colin's heart beat faster. This frank and open smile had always had this effect on him.

"Perfect! Fish and chips, then?"

Colin nodded and Bradley put his arms around his shoulders, leading him. But Colin pushed him away, aware of the fans that hung around the theatre.

"Bradley… Not here."

"Oh… Sorry…"

Bradley looked at the ground again.

"It's just… I've missed you, you know."

"That's why you haven't called in a month?" Colin replied, his tone colder than he wanted.

"Colin…" The hurt was obvious in Bradley's voice. "It… It was difficult for me…"

Colin stopped to look at Bradley, incredulous.

"It was difficult for you? Bradley do you have any idea of what I was feeling?" Colin wanted to shout but he remembered they were still close to the theatre. "You kissed me!!! And then we spent a perfect day together! You said you would call… and… And then nothing!!"

"Colin… Please… Calm down."

“No!”

Colin went away, to lead them in a small alleyway, where nobody would see them.

Bradley took Colin by the shoulders, trying to draw him closer but Colin resisted.

"No!! No!! I… I need to know, Bradley! What do you want?"

"You."

Bradley's answer was sure and his tone firm. Colin finally calmed down and Bradley could feel him relax under his hands.

"I… I don't understand."

"Then let me explain."

Bradley hands stroked Colin's upper arms as he talked.

"After that day we spent together I… I wanted nothing more than to see you again. As soon as possible. And it was quite overwhelming. My need to see you. My need to take you in my arms and kiss you senseless… And I was afraid it would be too soon for you. So… I chose to wait a little…"

"A little?" Colin interrupted, "It has been a month! A fucking month!"

"I know… But… The more I waited the less I was sure you really wanted me. I saw you with Eoin and… I was starting to think that he would make you happier than I would."

"But…"

"No… Let me finish. I… I was afraid, Colin… I was a coward and… I'm sorry."

Colin didn't answer but he let himself be dragged against Bradley's chest, letting his head fall on his shoulder.

"But today… I finally gathered the courage to send you a message… I thought that if you were happy with Eoin, you wouldn't come and… Then, I would have known. But… You're here."

Colin processed Bradley's words. He was right; if Colin had been perfectly happy with Eoin he wouldn't have come. But he was here, in Bradley's arms, in this dim lit street.

"I'm lost Bradley," he confessed. He wanted to be honest with his friend. "I'm… Eoin and I are together."

He felt Bradley tense. "But… As you said it, I've come tonight nonetheless…"

"Colin… Give us a chance. A last one."

Colin didn't hesitate for long. He knew that if he refused, that would haunt him forever. The "what could have happened if I had given us a last chance?".

"Okay."

Colin felt Bradley's arms around him. And it felt good.

"Still want to eat something?"

"Yeah… Emotions make me hungry."

They disentangled themselves and smiled at each other. There were still a lot of things to discuss between them but they had had their fair share of emotions for tonight.

"Let's go then!"

***

"I suppose it's not a good idea for me to offer you to take you back to your flat?" Bradley said as they exited the pub.

"No… I… No."

"It's okay. I understand. "

Colin knew Bradley was sincere, he could read it in his eyes. And they had spent a great time together. He didn't want it to end on an awkward note.

"So… I…" Colin hesitated.

"I'll send you a message, ok? We could go for a walk in a park or something like that. Next week-end?"

"I… I'm busy on Saturday," Colin answered, remembering that Eoin and he had decided to go see a film that day. ”But… I'm free on Sunday afternoon. "

"Perfect! I will call you!"

Colin nodded and went for a friendly hug but Bradley stopped him and took him by the arms, drawing him close, till Colin could feel his breath on his lips.

"Goodnight, Colin," Bradley murmured before kissing him.

It was just a simple peck but Colin shivered and looked at Bradley going away, waving to him and smiling.

Colin could still feel the sensations of Bradley's lips on his when he came back to his flat. Eoin was already asleep. And Colin stayed in the living room for a long time before joining him in bed. Too many feelings were battling in his heart. And if he had hoped that this night would help him understand what he felt, he was disappointed. Everything was still so mixed up. And he was still close to hurting the two persons he loved the most.

When he finally went to bed, Colin tried not to touch and wake up Eoin. But the older man seemed to have sensed him as he took Colin in his arms and murmured:

"You're back, love."

Colin put his hand on Eoin's on his stomach and promised to himself that he would make a choice soon. He couldn't go like that longer. Or he would hurt them both and himself, too.

***

For the rest of the week, Colin tried to act as naturally as possible with Eoin. If he was to make a choice, he wanted to know who he was feeling happier with. And that week with Eoin was as great as the past weeks. They spent lots of time together and they always had things to talk about. Eoin was always able to make Colin laugh and feel at ease.

Colin realized how much he had changed since Eoin was back in his life. Without him, everything would have been so different. Today, Colin was happy and self-confident, like he was before the Bradley drama and his isolation. And he knew that it was thanks to Eoin.

And when he received a message from Bradley to confirm their date, Colin considered cancelling it. He was happy with Eoin and it seemed that Eoin loved him… Could he really threaten that for a possible undefined future with Bradley?

In the end, Colin confirmed the date. It would be the perfect opportunity to talk with Bradley and tell him he had made a choice.


	5. Chapter 5

On Sunday, Colin told Eoin he was going to see an old friend. It wasn't really a lie. Bradley and he had decided to go to Holland Park. Colin had always loved the Japanese garden. It made him feel relaxed. Exactly what he needed.

When he joined Bradley, he spotted the plastic bag he was holding.

"Colin!"

They shared a brief hug and Colin followed Bradley as they went to the Japanese garden.

"What is that?" Colin asked, pointing to the bag.

"Surprise!"

Bradley's smile and his good mood were catching and Colin found himself smiling, too.

"Tell me!" Colin pleaded.

"It's just your favourite cookies and some iced tea."

The attention was sweet and Colin smiled more openly.

They sat on a rock bench and Bradley put his arms around Colin's shoulders. Once again, Colin moved out of his reach.

"Bradley… People can see us."

"We aren't doing anything bad, you know."

Colin sighed. And Bradley put his arms around him again.

"Relax, Colin. And just enjoy the moment."

Colin knew he should have resisted more. But once again, Bradley seemed to blow all his defences and melt all his resolutions. Some people said that Bradley's puppy eyed expression was a weapon of mass destruction but for Colin it was more than just his eyes. The way his smile was just barely noticeable, the way his shoulders slumped slightly or how his hands grabbed the nearest thing available. All his body screamed from hurt. And it was impossible for Colin to deal with this sight.

"Bradley," Colin's voice was barely more than a whisper, pleading. Pleading for what? For Bradley to stop flirting and touching him? Or for Bradley to kiss him and touch him everywhere? Even Colin wasn't sure he knew what he wanted. So, when Bradley leaned in and kissed him, he didn't react. Once again, he chose the easiest path, letting himself being led.

As the kiss deepened, Colin realized that, for months now, he hadn't fought. He had let his thoughts bury him. He had let Bradley hurt him. He had let Eoin save him. He had let Bradley take his place in his life back. He had let Eoin love him. And he was letting Bradley love him, too… He was weak. Unable to stand up against anything. Unable to direct his own life. He should react. Now. Or it would be too late, too easy to let go once more.

He pushed Bradley away, breaking the kiss.

"Bradley… Stop… Please."

Incomprehension was visible in Bradley's eyes.

"We… We need to talk."

"Okay."

Colin looked around him, letting the scenery help him relax. It was the moment of truth. He needed to be honest, to tell Bradley everything. And, for the first time, Colin was ready to accept that he was probably going to hurt his friend. But he didn’t have any other choice.

"I… Bradley… The last months have been really hard for me, you know."

"I know… I'm sorry."

"No… You don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault. It's mine."

Colin took Bradley's hand in his. It reassured him somehow. And he continued.

"I isolated myself because I was afraid of hurting my friends. And I've hurt all of you in the end. And since then, I've just let myself by dragged everywhere, not making any decisions… I've let you and Eoin take care of me."

Coin saw Bradley wince at the mention of Eoin's name but he didn't stop talking.

"It was easier like that. You both loved me. And it felt good to be loved. I was finally accepting that I was worth it. I shouldn't have let this situation evolve. And now I'm here… I'm kissing you in this park and then what? I'll go back to my flat and fall asleep in Eoin's arms. Because it's easy. Because I don’t have to make a choice."

Bradley was still looking at Colin, hope and fear mixing in his pupils as Colin kept talking.

"But I'm not like that. I don't want to be this kind of guy. And… In the end, I know I'm going to hurt you both. And the more we stay like that, the more it will hurt."

Colin finally stopped. He needed to catch his breath. Bradley's hands were still nestled in his. Their knees were touching. Around them, the park was calm. Some birds were singing in the trees and they could hear people talking and laughing in the distance.

"So?" Bradley finally asked. "Does that mean you've made a choice, then?"

Colin nodded. Now, it was too late to go back. But as he wanted to talk, Bradley stopped him with a finger on his mouth.

"Just… Before you tell me. Just let me."

Colin nodded even though he didn't know what he was agreeing to. He watched as Bradley came closer. Then he felt Bradley's lips on his jaw. A tender kiss.

"Colin… Whoever you've chosen, promise me you'll keep the other in your life. Don't isolate yourself again."

"If… If it's possible, I would love to," Colin confessed.

"Tell me, now."

"Bradley… I… I'm in love with Eoin."

Colin saw the hurt in his friend's eyes. He saw his whole body tense. He saw the forced little smile. And, as he had expected, that broke his heart.

"I suppose I should have seen it coming," Bradley said, not bitter but colder than before.

"I'm…"

"Please! Don't say you're sorry. You don't have any reason to be sorry."

Colin knew Bradley was right. You shouldn't be sorry for being in love with someone. If Colin didn't want anybody to take decisions for him, he was still allowed to follow his heart.

They remained on the rock bench, each looking at the pond in front of them. Not talking anymore.

"Do you still think what you told me earlier?" Colin finally asked.

"About remaining friends? Yeah… I'll probably need some time. But I don't want today to be the end, Colin."

"Me neither."

They looked at each other and two small smiles appeared on their face.

It would take time, but Colin was determined to make it work.

***

As Colin walked back to his flat, he realized how good he was feeling, light and free. And he wanted to go back to Eoin as soon as possible. He wanted to cuddle with him on the couch, to kiss him, to tell him how much he loved him… And, it was perhaps time for them to take it to the next level. Till now, Colin had restrained his wants because making love to Eoin when he was still seeing Bradley would have been too close to treason. But now, he was free. And the simple thought of it made him shiver in anticipation.

He nearly ran in the stairs to his flat and opened the door, smiling. A smile that disappeared as soon as he spotted the suitcase and the bag in the middle of the hall. Then, he saw Eoin coming out from the bedroom, carrying a bunch of clothes in his arms.

"Oh? You're back?"

His voice was as cold as ice. His eyes were red, probably from crying. He dropped the clothes in the open suitcase and went back to the bedroom.

"Eoin!" Colin called, rooted to the spot. Was his worst nightmare becoming reality?

"No need to lie to me again, Colin… I was stupid enough to believe you before but not anymore."

"I don't understand."

What had happened? Colin was lost.

"I saw you… With Bradley in the park. Kissing. It was clear enough, even for someone as stupid as me."

Colin was unable to talk. No… It couldn't be possible! Not now he had finally made a choice.

Eoin went to the bedroom again and Colin stayed in the hall, realizing he was losing Eoin.

The older man came back soon with some more clothes that he put in the suitcase before closing it.

"Don't worry, I'm going back to my flat. And in two days, I'm flying to Ireland. You'll have all the free space you need to snog Bradley everywhere in London."

"But… Eoin!" Colin finally reacted. "It's not like that!"

He needed to explain everything to Eoin, to tell him that that kiss was nothing. He wanted to tell him that he had made a choice, that he had finally understood how much he loved him.

"Spare your saliva. I know what I've seen… I don't need another of your lie! You hoped to keep us both? To spoil you? One for the week, the other in the week-end?"  
Eoin's tone was full of anger now. And Colin knew how much he had to be suffering. And he was not able to find the words to calm him, to explain everything. His own pain was unbearable.

Suddenly, all the progresses Colin had made since Eoin had come to help him were reduced to nothing. The guilt came back with the feeling of not being good enough, of not deserving to be happy.

He had played with Eoin's and Bradley's feelings. He had hurt them. He only deserved to suffer, too.

He just let himself fall to the floor, sitting against the wall, looking at Eoin packing through his tears. He watched him gather his belongings.

"Here… You can give it to Bradley, now," he said as he threw the spare key of the flat on the floor next to Colin.

Colin didn't move. Neither did he when Eoin went out of the flat, shutting the door behind him. He stayed there, on the floor of his hall, crying silently.

***

Colin stayed, slumped on the floor for such a long time all his body started to ache. But he still didn't find the energy to move. So he just let go a little more, sliding along the wall.

He felt shattered. His heart was caught in an iron grip. Breathing was hard and every inhalation burned. And there was this hole in his chest. A hole so deep, Colin felt like he would be sucked up by it.

He heard his phone ringing in the distance but didn't really pay any attention to it.

He was too busy remembering all the events of the last months… How he had fucked up everything. He was angry towards himself. How could he have been so naïve? Had he really expected Bradley and Eoin to be happy when they would discover that he had played with their feelings only because he was a coward? He had been unable to make a choice. It had been so easy to just take the best of both of them. The vice grip around his heart tightened.

Colin felt the tears rolling on his face but he didn't brush them. He was aching everywhere, but he deserved it. He has been idiot enough to believe he was meant to be happy, that he was allowed to be loved. But the truth had been thrown at his face. He was meant to be alone, to suffer alone. To pay for the way he had hurt the two people who counted the most.

A knock on the door made him jump. For a brief moment, he hoped it was Eoin even if he knew it was a silly thought. Another knock.

"Colin! Colin! Are you there?"

He recognized the voice immediately and it was like being stabbed in the heart. Another pain to join all the others.

"Colin! Please! Open the door!"

Colin had stopped crying now, he felt too bad to cry anymore. Hearing Bradley calling him was just too much. He couldn't bear so much pain. Why Bradley was there, on the other side of his door was beyond his understanding. He didn't have the energy to think about it. He just wanted to be alone… And suffer like he deserved to.

"COLIN! Open! We need to talk to you!"

We? Colin barely registered the word. Bradley wasn't alone?

"Colin…"

Angel's softer voice came from the hall and Colin shivered. If it was easy to ignore Bradley and let him outside, it was another thing altogether to ignore Angel's teary tone.

"We… We have a key," she said.

Colin didn't know how they could have one. He was unable to try guessing how it was possible, though. "We… If you don't want us to come, just say so. If…"

"If you don't answer we're coming in!" Bradley interrupted.

Colin wanted to tell them to leave, to tell them he was alright. But he knew his voice would betray him. Furthermore, he didn't think he was really able to talk at all.

He heard the key turning in the lock and closed his eyes. Then, the door opened, bumping against his legs.

"Colin!"

He felt arms around him, he smelled Bradley's cologne. He kept his eyes closed as Bradley and Angel touched him, probably checking he was still alive.

Suddenly, it was too much and Colin started crying again. He clung on Bradley's t-shirt and started to sob uncontrollably. Bradley's arms circled his chest, anchoring him in the reality, forbidding him to drown in his sorrow.

For some time, Colin kept crying, sobbing, and moaning in pain. Bradley didn’t let go. And nothing else existed.

Then, Bradley slowly helped him stand up, muttering encouraging words he didn't really hear. He felt Angel coming to his other side and he let himself be carried to the couch.

"Colin… Talk to us," Angel asked, stroking his back gently.

He kept his eyes on the floor. He felt so exhausted. After the hurt and the cries, he was now so empty. And even with Bradley and Angel sitting next to him, he felt so alone.

"Colin, Eoin phoned me earlier when I was dining with Angel," Bradley explained. One of his hands laid on Colin's thigh in a comforting way. And Colin didn't understand why Bradley was comforting him. He should be sad… Or hurt… Angry even. But he was here, comforting him. That didn't make any sense.

"He… He told me you had a fight after he saw us in the park. I tried to explain he was making a mistake but he didn't want to listen. He said he wanted us to be happy together."

Bradley stopped talking, probably hoping for some reaction from Colin. But he didn't move or talk.

"I… I tried to tell him we were not together but… He was really angry, you know. And hurt. He… He loves you, Colin!"

This time, Colin shivered. No, Eoin didn't love him. And even if he had, he didn't anymore. Not after what Colin had done.

"Colin, you need to fight!" Angel said, "If… If you love him, you need to bring him back."

"No…"

Colin's voice sounded hoarse.

"I'm sure he will listen to you," Bradley added." He seemed really affected by your fight. And… He also asked me to come here and take care of you. He wouldn't have asked that if he didn't loved you."

Colin shook his head. No, there was no hope left, he knew it. Everything he could say or do would be useless. He had done too much harm to be able to repair anything.

"Bradley… We should let him rest," Angel suggested.

"Colin. You want that?"

He nodded and once again Bradley and Angel helped him to his bed. Bradley undressed him and he slid under the cover.

"We're not going anywhere, ok? One of us will stay here tonight. We can sleep on the couch."

Colin didn't answer. His head was buried in the pillows and he could still smell Eoin's apple shampoo. A sob escaped him. He felt Bradley's hand in his hair.

"It will be okay. In the end, you'll be okay. I promise."

And then Bradley left and Colin started crying again.

***


	6. Chapter 6

In the morning, Colin woke up with a blinding headache. Bradley came into the room sometime later, not turning the lights on and carrying a glass of water and some tablets.

"I thought you could use some of that."

"Thanks," Colin groaned.

"There are cereals and milk waiting for you if you feel like eating."

"Later… Angel is still there?"

Angel had stayed the night with Colin, coming to his room every time she heard him cry, holding him, and stroking his hair till he fell asleep again.

"No, she had a meeting with some producer this morning. She couldn't cancel it."

"It's ok…"

Colin wanted to tell Bradley he could go too but a part of him didn't feel like being alone. Not so soon. And Bradley still seemed keen to take care of him, even after Colin had broken his heart.

He looked at him, standing up and exiting the room.

"Bradley?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you here?"

"Because Eoin called me and told me you had a fight and…"

"I know that," Colin interrupted. "But why are you here after…" His voice broke and he had to take a deep breath before continuing. "After what I've done to you?"

Bradley didn't answer immediately. He came back into the room and sat at the end of the bed.

"I'm here because I'm your friend, Colin. Because I care for you. And even if it hurt to realize you don't love me like I do, I know you can't command your affections. I just want you to be happy. And I know Eoin can make you happy."

A sour laugh escaped Colin's lips. "Do you think I'm happy now?"

"No… But nothing is lost yet, Colin."

"How can you say that? I've hurt him, I've betrayed him! "

"Perhaps. But you still love him and he still loves you. And if you're ready to fight for his love, I'm sure he will forgive you."

"No… What I've done is unforgivable, Bradley. I've played with his feelings, with yours, too."

"I've forgiven you, Colin. So will Eoin. And if he doesn't, that would mean he wasn't worth your love. But to know that, you need to try!"

Listening to Bradley, Colin felt some hope coming back. He loved Eoin so much and during the past months he had made him feel so happy. He wanted these feelings back, he wanted to wake up and see Eoin's smile, and he wanted to feel Eoin's arms around him.

On the other side, the fear was still present. If Eoin rejected him, could Colin cope with it?

"I don't know, Bradley… I…"

Colin fingers were playing with the duvet and Bradley put his hands on it to still them.

"I know you're afraid and it's ok. But you deserve to be happy, even if you have an opposite opinion."

Colin didn't answer and they remained silent till Bradley offered some breakfast again. This time, Colin accepted. They ate together, silently. Colin was glad Bradley didn't push him more. He needed some time to think.

As they did the dishes, Colin made his decision. Bradley was right. He needed to try, at least once, to talk to Eoin and try to explain everything to him. If he didn't he would probably regret it all this life.

"I'll call him," Colin announced as Bradley put the last plate in the cupboard.

"You're making the right choice!"

Bradley smiled. It was an encouraging smile. Bradley seemed honestly happy about Colin's decision. And that gave more courage to Colin. Bradley had really forgiven him so perhaps Eoin could, too.

"I'll call now… I'm going to my room, ok?"

"Good luck!" Bradley hugged him.

Colin thanked him before retreating to his room. He sat on his bed and fetched his phone.

His hands were trembling when he touched Eoin's name on the screen. As he listened to the ringtones, Colin felt his heart clench. And when Eoin's voice echoed in the phone it was only a recorded message. Colin hesitated but he knew that if he didn't left a voicemail he probably wouldn't find the courage to call another time.

"Oh… Hum… Eoin… It's me, Colin. I… I want to talk with you. Please? I need to explain a lot of things to you. I'm sorry… Really sorry. Can… You can call me back, ok? I'll wait for your call… Bye."

Colin was nearly out of breath when he hung up. He didn't like voicemail in general but this one had to be the hardest he had ever left to anybody.

He stayed on his bed for some time, trying to calm down. Then he took his phone and went back to the living room to find Bradley on the couch, watching TV.

"So?" he asked as Colin sat next to him.

"He didn't answer so I left a message and I asked him to call back."

"Ok…"

"What are you watching?"

"Some Dr Who rerun."

Colin nodded and trying to understand the episode even if he had missed the first half.

As they started watching the second one, Colin's phone vibrated on the coffee table. He took it quickly and watched the screen. A message. He felt Bradley's hand land on his shoulder as he touched the screen.

"Stop trying to call me. I've nothing to tell you and I don't want to listen to you."

It was like a sharp knife sinking in his chest and twisting. It was like a hole so deep Colin kept falling and falling.

He vaguely felt Bradley taking him in his arms and trying to take the phone from his hands. Colin clutched at his phone like it was the only thing keeping him alive.

How stupid he was! Why had he hoped it was possible to save his relationship with Eoin when he had been the one to destroy it in the first place?

He finally let go of the phone. He didn’t have any strength left to keep fighting.

Bradley didn't say anything and Colin was grateful for that. He didn't want pity or comfort. He just wanted the pain to swallow him. And he wished never to resurface.

And then Colin started to think about all the plans he had made with Eoin… All the things they wanted to do and they would never do now that Colin had wiped out their happiness. The indie zombie film Eoin had finally found on Internet and had insisted that Colin would watch with him. The new Thai restaurant they found and wanted to try next week-end. The bright red cushions Eoin had spotted at Ikea and that Colin had planned to buy to give him as a surprise. And their trip to India this summer. All these little things that Colin hadn't been able to fully appreciate before. And now he was missing it so much his whole body was aching.

Strangely, these thoughts also brought a new bravery in Colin. He suddenly remembered how happy he was with Eoin. And how happy Eoin was with him. This kind of connection didn't happen often. And if he hadn't been able to protect this relationship, to see how important Eoin was before, now he knew it.

He would not give up so easily. Not before he was sure he had tried everything.

"Colin?" Bradley asked as he straightened up.

Colin was still lost in his thoughts, remembering all the good moments he had shared with Eoin. All the memory he wanted to save. And he wanted to create new ones. So he needed to talk to Eoin and try to save their relationship. He was still afraid of what could happen, of Eoin's rejection but he remembered that he was leaving for Ireland in two days. If he didn't go to talk to him now, Colin was probably going to lose his last and only chance to share a future with Eoin. And he couldn't bear that thought.

"Colin?" Bradley repeated.

"I need to see him. I need to talk to him face to face. Even if… I don't know if there is still some hope left but I need to try."

Bradley nodded and stood up.

"Ok. I'll drive you to his flat."

A faint smile appeared on Colin's lips. "Thank you." He was glad to have Bradley as a friend.

Fifteen minutes later, after a shower, Colin sat in Bradley's car. He was strangely calm. He knew it was his last chance and he didn't want to waste it like he had thrown away everything else. And he knew that if he wanted Eoin to listen to him he needed to control his emotions.

"Ok?" Bradley asked.

Colin nodded and Bradley started the car.

***

Bradley parked at the corner of the street.

"I don't think Eoin would love to know I've driven you here."

Colin nodded but didn't move. He had remained silent during all the drive. And all his fears and doubts had come back. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to talk to Eoin anymore. And above all he didn't think he would be able to see him.

"Colin? You're not freaking out, are you?" Bradley asked, looking at him.

The lack of response and the way Colin hands were gripped on his thighs were enough for Bradley to understand what was going on.

"Colin. You need to breathe, ok. Everything will be alright. Don't let your fears overcome you."

As Colin was still fixing the road and not answering, Bradley took his hands in his.

"Look at me."

Colin finally obeyed.

"You love Eoin, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"And you want him back?"

Colin nodded.

"So if you had a chance to sort out everything you would do it?"

Colin finally understood what Bradley was trying to demonstrate. It was perhaps his last chance to woo Eoin back. He was going to Ireland the next day and Colin didn't know when he could see him again. He needed to react or he would lose Eoin forever.

"I'll go. Thanks Bradley."

"Colin… You know, once, I thought we were meant to be together. Today, I know we're not. But I still care about you. I want to see you happy. You deserve it."

Bradley's words were heartfelt and for the first time in months, Colin accepted that someone was caring about him without questioning it.

"Thank you… It really means a lot for me. And I'm so-."

"Don't tell me you're sorry. You don't have any reason to be."

This time, Colin didn't really believe Bradley but he chose not to argue. He needed all his energy for Eoin.

Bradley leaned towards him and hugged him.

"Good luck."

Out of superstition, Colin didn't answer. He just offered a sincere smile before exiting the car.

***

Colin stood in front of Eoin's door. He took a deep breath before ringing the bell. And then, he waited.

His mind was blank. He didn't want to think about what he was going to say because he knew he would freak out again. And he didn't want to think about Eoin's reaction either.

He heard footsteps coming closer to the door and finally the squeak of the hinges.

"What? What are you doing here?"

Of course, Eoin was angry. And, as Colin had predicted, he tried to close the door immediately. But Colin pushed it.

"Eoin… I… I want to talk."

"I've nothing to say."

"So listen to me. Please."

Colin saw Eoin flinch. The anger mask was cracking and Colin could see the deep sadness in Eoin's eyes.

"Eoin," he pleaded.

The older man didn't say a word but he went back inside the flat, leaving the door open behind him. It was more than Colin had hoped. So he followed and closed the door.

Eoin sat in his armchair, his gaze fixed on Colin. There was only anger in his features now but Colin knew it was only a façade and he was determined to shatter it again.

Colin stood next to Eoin's couch. He looked around him. He hadn't come a lot often to Eoin's flat but he had always liked it. It was homey and even if there was some mess, it looked like Eoin had put lot of heart in arranging it.

"So… You want to talk. I'm listening," Eoin said coldly.

"I… I want to apologize."

A sour laughter echoed in the room.

"Apologize? For what? For lying to me for months? Or for the way you have preyed on me? Or… Let me think… For cheating on me with one of my friends?"

The hardness of Eoin's voice hurt Colin but he didn't waver. He deserved these blames. He was ready to hear them.

"I want to apologize for hurting you."

"And you're hoping I'll accept your apologies?"

"I… No, I don't think so. I just hope you'll let me explain everything."

Colin was calm and determined. He knew that if he let his emotion take the upper hand, he would not be able to explain everything to Eoin, to convince him to give them a second chance.

"I'll listen. But when you've told everything you need to, you'll go away. I'm leaving tomorrow and I need to pack my things."

Colin nodded, inwardly hoping that Eoin would not ask him to leave when he'd have finished.

"Sit down," Eoin offered coldly. Colin obeyed and sat on the couch, in front of his friend.

"Eoin… First, I… I want to thank you. In the past months, you've done so much for me…"

Colin saw Eoin's jaw tense.

"And… My way of thanking you was lying to you. I… I don't know why I did that. Probably because it was easier like that, because I was weak."

Colin looked at his hands, nestled between his thighs.

"Before the party at Angel's flat, I realized how important you'd become to me. And it was good but also frightening. Then… That night, when I saw Bradley…"

Once again, Eoin flinched hearing their friend's name.

"I was lost… And he came on the balcony and… We kissed."

Colin stopped, nearly breathless.

"And you didn't think it was important enough to tell me about it?" Eoin asked.

"It… At first, it didn't mean anything, it was a mistake. And I didn't want to hurt you… But that night, Bradley told me he was still in love with me… I was lost. I had thought for so long every hope was lost and then… But you were there, too."

Emotions were slowly affecting Colin. He tried to stay focused on want he wanted to say and started again.

"Then Bradley called me… And we decided to see each other… As friends."

Another sour laugh. Of course, Eoin had many reasons not to believe him.

"But… After our first date… He didn't call me back… So… I thought he had lied and… But you were there, taking care of me, making me feel loved and for the first time in months, I was happy. So… I decided to try to forget Bradley and finally allow myself to be happy… With you."

This time, Colin looked at Eoin. Anger had disappeared once more replaced by sadness.

"Then… Bradley called me again… We saw each other and he told me he loved me and was sorry… And once again, I was weak. I was unable to choose. It seems absurd now but at that moment, I think I was hoping I could have you both."

This last confession had been hard for Colin. He had admitted that to himself not long ago.

"I knew I was hurting you both. I knew I would have to make a choice. However, I wasn't able to decide… Till you saw us with Bradley."

"Colin… I'm not sure I want to hear how you realized how much you loved Bradley," Eoin said, his tone betraying his hurt and his weariness.

Colin stood up only to kneel in front of Eoin.

"Please… Listen."

Tears wear prickling his eyes and Colin didn't try to hold them back. It was now or never.

He took Eoin's hand in his and was relieved when he didn't try to escape.

"When you saw us… When Bradley kissed me. I… I had rejected him… Because I realised that I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with a memory, with what could have been if I hadn't rejected him… I was in love with a mirage."

Colin gently stroked Eoin's hand and looked at him. He was crying too. Eoin never cried. Colin realised how much he had hurt him and how, even if Eoin forgave him, it would take time for these wounds to heal.

"I wasn't in love with Bradley because my heart belongs to someone else."

Colin let go of Eoin's hand only to cradle his face in his palms.

"My heart belongs to you Eoin."

Silence settled between them. Colin still holding Eoin’s face, Eoin looking away.

"I don't know Colin. I don't know if I'll be able to do that, to trust you again… To take the risk to suffer like that again," Eoin finally confessed, shaking his head and escaping Colin's grasp.

And Colin understood. He knew how hard it had to be for Eoin. He didn't know how to make it easier, though.

"I… I know… But…"

Colin tried to find the right words.

"Colin… Can you promise me something?" Eoin interrupted. "Can you promise me you'll never lie to me again?"

Colin looked right at Eoin, trying to put all the words he didn't manage to say in his gaze.

"I promise."

He could have added that he would do anything to make it work if Eoin let them have a second chance or how much he loved him but he knew it was pointless. Eoin knew that already. Now, he just had to wait till Eoin made a decision. He just hoped it would come fast. Whatever his choice would be, Colin would rather hear it soon.

But Eoin remained silent, sitting in the armchair, Colin still kneeling in front of him. And as Colin went to stand up, he felt Eoin's hand cradling his neck. Gently he tugged at it till Colin's head was resting on his thigh and he started stroking his hair.

Colin sighed in relief. Of course, nothing had been said yet, but Eoin's tender gesture already meant so much.

They stayed like that for such a long time Colin's neck started to ache. Still, he didn't want to move. It was as if as long as they stayed like that, everything remained possible. It was a foolish thought but Colin still feared that Eoin would change his mind and realize he wasn't able to forgive him.

"Colin?"

It wasn't more than a murmur but it was enough to break the charm. Colin looked up, feeling an iron grip closing around his chest.

"I don't know if I'm making the right choice," Eoin started.

Colin was holding his breath, still looking at Eoin but unable to decipher his look.

"But I want to try… " Eoin announced as he stroked Colin's jaw.

"Are… Are you serious?"

"Yes. It will take some time for me to trust you again but I want to try. I love you, Colin."

Hearing these words he had feared to never hear again Colin stood up just enough to fall in Eoin's embrace, taking delight in the feeling of these arms around him.

"Thank you… Thank you so much." Colin kept gibbering as Eoin tightened his embrace. And then, Colin could feel Eoin's lips on his. It was such a sweet feeling, all of Colin's fears left him. He relaxed in Eoin's arms and tears started to run along his jaws again.

"Colin… Don't cry, please. No more tears."

"It's just… I'm so happy. I… I was afraid I had lost you and…"

"Shhh… I’m here now. And I'm here to stay."

"I'll do everything I can so that you'll never regret your decision," Colin promised.

Eoin smiled. It wasn't Eoin's signature bright smile but it was already a victory. He gently wiped Colin's tears away and kissed him again. Colin sat in his lap, getting more comfortable and their kiss deepened. They both knew there wouldn’t be anything more for the moment but it was already much more than they had hoped for some hours before.


	7. Chapter 7

Colin stayed at Eoin's flat the whole afternoon. They talked a lot. About what had happened in the last weeks of course, but not just that. They mutually agreed they needed to go back to their life like it was before the crisis.

They were both aware that it would take time to heal the wounds but they loved each other and for now it was enough.

In the evening, they ate some take-away, watching a film. And, for the first time that day, Eoin started joking again. It made Colin feel warm and fuzzy. The Eoin he loved was starting to come back and that gave him hope for their future.

Nonetheless, Colin went back to his flat for the night. Eoin and he kissed in Eoin's car for a long time before Eoin finally let go.

"So… I'll phone you when I'm safely arrived in Dublin, ok?"

"Yeah. I'll miss you."

"Me too… But I think it's not a bad thing, you know. We should not go too fast."

"I know," Colin assured even if he pouted a little for good measure.

Eoin groaned. "Stop pouting! You're too cute when you do that!"

"Ah, ah! I've found a powerful weapon to win against Sir Gwaine!"

"Yeah… That and threatening him to deprive him of apples!"

They both laughed at that, and with some last kisses, they finally said goodnight.

When Colin closed the door of his flat behind him, tiredness overwhelmed him. He went directly to his bedroom, undressed and slid under the covers.

But as he laid in his bed, he remembered he needed to thank someone. He fetched his phone and typed a message: "It went well. We’ll try to make it work. Thank you for everything." And he sent it to Bradley.

***

Colin was pacing around his living room. It had been three weeks since his reconciliation with Eoin. Three weeks of phone calls. Three weeks of long conversations into the night. And, in the end, a memorable session of awkward phone sex.

Colin shivered remembering it. Never had a hand job felt so good and left him so shattered. Even if it had only rekindled his burning desire.

Eoin and he had decided to take things slow but Colin was not a fool and he knew that, as soon as they would see each other, they would get in each other pants.

And he couldn't wait for it which explained his pacing. Eoin wouldn’t be there for another hour but Colin had already tidied the flat two times, taken three showers and changed his t-shirt five times.

And he was close to freaking out when he heard the door opening.

As soon as Eoin crossed the threshold, Colin flew into his arms. He knew he looked like an abandoned puppy who had found his master again but he didn't care. He was so relieved. Even with all their conversations, Colin had remained worried that during his stay in Ireland, Eoin could change his mind about them. Now, he was there, taking him in his arms, kissing him. And it was perfect.

They finally let go of each other and Eoin dropped his suitcase.

"I've missed you," he confessed.

"Me, too."

"And I've got something for you."

"Oh?" Colin looked at Eoin grabbing a plastic bag he was carrying and getting something brown and furry out of it.

"Here you are."

Colin was now face to face with a big teddy bear wearing a green t-shirt saying "I love Ireland" and holding a plush clover. It was dorky… But it was also cute and Colin was already taking it in his arms, a big smile shining on his face.

"Thank you! It's so cute!"

Colin kissed his boyfriend to thank him. He knew he was going to keep it preciously and would probably even sleep with it when Eoin and he would be apart.

"It made me think about you. It was cute, Irish and he has big ears!"

Hearing Eoin joke helped Colin to relax. Everything was going to be right.

"So? How was your journey?"

"Too long… And I wouldn't say no to a long shower."

"Can… Can I join you?" Colin asked without really thinking about it. But when he realized what he had suggested, he felt his cheek burn and wanted to hide.

"I will be really mad if you don't," Eoin answered, taking the bear to put it on the couch before grabbing Colin's wrist and leading him towards the bathroom.

There, Eoin didn’t waste a second before taking Colin in his arms and resumed kissing him. Colin was surprised by the tenderness in Eoin’s kiss. His hands gently stroked his back. It was slow, caring and impossibly gentle. It was not the steamy reunion Colin had imagined. It was better than that. Colin could feel the love in each of Eoin’s moves. Slowly, Eoin let his hands wander under Colin’s shirt. They kept kissing as they started to undress. There was no rush. Now they were finally together, it was like they had a whole life ahead of them. A life to share.

They were both shirtless now. Eoin drew away. Colin wanted to protest but he saw that his lover was just turning the shower on.

Colin circled Eoin’s waist from behind and put a kiss on his nape. He was already painfully hard but he wanted to take his time and enjoy their first time together.

“I’m so happy you’re back.”

“I’m happy, too, Colin… It was so hard to be away from you. But I think we needed it.”

Eoin was right, of course.

Eoin turned to face Colin again and kiss him. Soon, the rest of their clothing was lying on the floor. Colin admired what he was seeing. Eoin was beautiful. Of course, during the filming of Merlin he had already caught some glimpses of his body. But seeing him like that was different. He was completely naked and they were going to… Colin shivered at the though.

“You’re cold?” Eoin asked.

“No. It’s just you…”

“Me? But I haven’t done anything.”

“No… You’re just… You.” Colin tried to explain, blushing slightly.

Eoin laughed. “You’re cute when you blush…”

“M’not cute.” Colin pouted, hiding against Eoin’s shoulder.

Then Eoin drew him in the shower, under the warm water.

“I wonder if you’re as cute when you come.”

“Eoin!” Colin groaned, hitting his lover in the chest. “Stop!”

“Why? Is that not what we’re going to do? Making each other come?”

“Stop saying it like that!”

Colin wasn’t prude but Eoin seemed so relaxed about it, it was disturbing.

“Will you prefer if I said I’m going to make love to you?” Eoin asked, kissing Colin’s neck, just under his ear, where he knew he was so sensitive.

“Muuuurgh.” Was all Colin could answer.

And after that, he wasn’t really able to make full sentences for a long time…

***

“Colin?” Eoin called as they were lying on the bed, sated and blissfully happy after the second round. Colin had his head on Eoin’s torso and was idly tracing patterns on his stomach.

“Hum?”

“Do you still want to go on holiday together?”

Colin lifted his head to look at Eoin.

“To India? Of course…”

“Great!” Eoin smiled. “So… We could go to a travel agency this week and book it… It could be like… A sort of honeymoon. ”

“Ok… But you’re planning to do some visits or just spend two weeks fucking me in a decadent Maharajah style bed?” Colin teased.

“I was thinking about a week visiting and a week fucking,” Eoin answered with a wicked smile.

“It’s settled then!”

They sealed their agreement with a kiss… And it wasn’t long before they were starting a third round. They had a lot of time to catch up.

***

The brush was sliding along the baseboard precisely. Colin had his tongue out, stuck between his lips in a look of intense concentration.

"Coliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin! Help me!"

The cry made him jump, making big brown mark on the immaculate baseboard.

"Shit! Eoin!" Colin shouted, getting up and going to the kitchen to see what was going on.

He discovered Eoin, his face and hair covered in orange paint.

"Colin," he whined "Look at my hair…"

"What have you done to deserve that?" Colin asked with a blank expression looking at Tom and Angel who were helping Eoin paint the kitchen.

"What? But Colin, you're my boyfriend! You're supposed to stand up for me!"

Colin didn't even react but looked at Tom who had just turned away to show him his ass.

"Look at your boyfriend's work of art."

On Tom's jeans, Colin discovered a big smiley face. He chuckled.

"I must admit he has some talent!"

They all burst out laughing.

"Eh, what's going on here?" Bradley asked coming in with Katie and Alex behind him.

"It looks like Eoin has found his artistic side!" Katie said, pointing to Tom's backside.

"How do you know it's me?" Eoin asked, offended.

"Because it's always you!" Alex answered.

"And because Colin and Angel are too nice to do something like that," Katie added.

Then, Eoin pouted and, of course, it made Colin melt. He came closer to his boyfriend and kissed his paint-free nose.

"Time for a break?" Bradley suggested.

They all agreed and went to the living room to sit on the floor. The room was very bright with the big French windows opening onto the big patio.

It was this room that had convinced Eoin and Colin to buy the small house. That and the big garden. And also the fireplace. Especially when Eoin had murmured to  
Colin how he was imagining fucking him on the floor, with the fire burning next to them making Colin blush furiously. In front of the estate agent, of course.

They took some beers from the fridge that was currently installed in the spare room, waiting for the kitchen to be painted.

"So? Do you think we'll have it finished by Friday?" Bradley asked.

"I hope so!" Eoin answered, sighing.

Colin and he were eager to move into their new house. Of course they could have called a painter but it was more fun doing it with friends. And it would bring a lot of  
good memories. It was a way to inhabit the house already.

"If we finish the kitchen today, we can do the living room's finishing touches tomorrow and the main bedroom. So I think we can manage it!" Colin concluded.

"But why are you so eager to have you week-end free?" Katie asked with a mischievous smile.

"Nothing… Just asking."

The blush on Bradley's cheek gave him away.

"Let me guess," Tom said "You're seeing Joe this week-end, right?"

"No… I was just asking really!"

Now Bradley's cheeks were burning.

"Awww… That's so cute!" Eoin mocked. "So, it's really serious, then?"

Bradley didn't answer and chose to take another gulp of his beer. So Eoin continued :

"That’s quite logical… You’re a bastard of a King… He's a King's bastard. Make sense. "

They all nodded.

"Eoin? Can't you maintain difference between real life and acting?" Bradley opposed.

"But…" Colin spoke, "Does that mean you're shagging your manservant's best friend?"

"We're not shagging!" Bradley protested.

"But you're seeing each other, right?" Alex insisted.

"It's not what you think!"

"Oh? Really?" Angel joined the fun, too.

They spent the next ten minutes teasing Bradley. Colin was sitting between Eoin's legs and he leant against his torso, laughing at Bradley's attempts to convince Katie and Angel to stop making scenarios about his preferred sex positions.

Colin knew nothing was ever perfect. But he knew that his life was close to perfection. He had a job he enjoyed and kept receiving interesting propositions. He had a wonderful boyfriend he loved dearly and they were moving in together in less than a month. And he had a bunch of great friends on whom he could count.

He had realized, in the past weeks, he had always had all that. He was just not able to see it. And now, he would do anything to keep it that way.

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note : Joe is Joe Dempsey who plays Will in "Merlin" and Gendry in "Game of Thrones".


End file.
